Existential Crisis Hour

Lolsy

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:06:58 GMT

In 2009, spacebutt resolves to...

Connect with my inner music.
Put fifty muffins a month into my savings account.
Keep my cribbage clean.
Spend less time on vermont.
Lose ten wingnuts by March.
Cut down to ten trees a day.

cat fabric

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 06:54:42 GMT

I am too tired to really go about writing anything, but I felt like I should update this thing, so that I don't forget it exists.

Anyway, vague overview, hopefully to be elaborated on at some later date: Lots of emotions are swirling in my head right now and I that I can't make sense of them or make any decisions regarding their origins is making me feel like I ought to go back to the therapist. As a student, it's free, so the worst that could happen is that I waste an hour of my time once a week. I'm just not even sure I want to tell a therapist what I'm feeling and ask her what to do. Now feels like a 'playing cards close to the chest' kind of time, and even though a therapist is not involved in my life in any non-professional way, it would be scary to voice some of the thoughts that have been creeping in to my consciousness lately.

And I'm going to leave it cryptic like that because the whole thing makes a bad story anyway and I'd rather not put it into narrative form. And anyway, that is the therapist's job. I'm not even sure I have a narrative about it all yet, and that may be what is driving me to reconsider therapy. Narrative is at least some form of understanding, albeit a kind of shallow one. In lieu of actual resolution, at least I could think about it abstractly instead of feeling it directly once in awhile.

Blah blah.

I watched Star Trek and the X-files tonight and really had a good time! I had no idea that the X-files had such good writers! I think if I had time to add another obsession to my life, that could be a very strong candidate. And no, it's not just because I have a crush on an X-files fan (and Scully)...!

Now my cat is sitting next to me and purring, so I should stop writing and pet him for a bit, call him fat, and then lock him outta my room and go to sleep.

whine.

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 22:30:22 GMT

Oh man, I hate this week. I am really far behind with my finals. I just got my period. I am super distracted by thoughts of drinking and fucking and watching TV. AND it isn't over until Thursday! That is still so far away!
My sister and possibly Jeremy will be here before then, which will not help at all with the staying on task thing.
Ugh.

Argh.

Wah.

Why was I so stupid as to try to get a bachelor's degree? How is this going to serve me in anyway after it's over?

Sigh. At least Midol contains caffeine.

I needs helps!

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 00:57:47 GMT

I am supposed to hand in a draft of a fifteen page paper on Turds-day at 1pm and I haven't even finished reading for it! Let alone developed a thesis or started writing! Yipes! I basically have to do it all tomorrow. Luckily I have a study date, which tend to work out better than trying to do work at my house...unluckily it is with somebody who is a little distracting, though she does a very good job trying to keep me on track. I just don't know if I can do it....I am a lamey mclameass who is no good at time management. i want alzheimer's meds and ritalin, stat!

Yeah, maybe not.

But still, I am quickly developing a coffee ulcer. Maybe I should switch to redbull and lorazapam (energy drinks make me have panic attacks). I don't know!

Astrology is interesting this week. i am digging this lunar-venus-jupiter conjunction. I feel more frisky and less crazy, and so far I think I have not said too many stupid things in public. I feel motivated and capable, despite the idiocy of not having done a single bit of work over thangsfrigging break!

Anyway, back to Vietnamese food and trying to read for homework and watch House at the same time!

explodings!

idiot human

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 18:56:59 GMT

Oh shit guys, I just put my cell phone through the washing machine! i am going to need phone numbers again!!! I can't believe i did that, and right before going on a road trip! Oh fuck oh damn oh shit oh balls.

I am waiting for my mom to get home so that I can ruin her day with this little bombshell. :/

Oh jeezus, one more post!

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 03:28:06 GMT

I just had to add this.

It snowed for the first time! And my shoes died today!
The heel is coming off one of them. This in addition to a big hole in the toe area. Tomorrow morning I have to go buy a pair of winter boots. I hate shopping for shoes. They are expensive and it's so hard to find shoes that aren't poofy or stupid or ugly or cheaply made. The winters here really require sturdy boots with a lot of tolerance for road salt.

No Uggs!!!!

a can't even finish a crossword today....

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:32:30 GMT

Uugh. Bleh. I finally came down with something. my first of the season! No excessive boogerhead yet, but i have no energy, headache, and stomach blahs. I stayed home sick yesterday and for one class today, and i feel kind of guilty about it. It's so hard for me to relax, even when i need to! And I feel so pathetic just sitting around watching House and Nova. I hate TV! But I've been watching it pretty much all day! How lame am I?
I am also feeling mopey and lonely, and I REALLY want physical attention: hugs, smooches, backrubs, pats on the head, anything will do. I am really bad at being sick with a stiff upper lip. The lip is definitely in need of some starch.

Is that a mixed metaphor?

no!!

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 05:03:04 GMT

P.S. Arrgh, there is a fruit fly in my room!!! And a spider was on my pillow!!!

last minute-iness

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 05:00:41 GMT

in honor of my dear dukeburger's request I am gonna post a pic of my Uhura uniform from halloween, but not tonight! I'm sorry! sleep is starting to happen without my consent right now! Tomorrow, i promise!

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:40:54 GMT

Wow, it sure is scary to read back over the entries from the spring before I went to China. I was completely fucking crackers!!!
I can say in all honestly that it persisted about a month into my time in China before the lack of toxic substances ingested (besides the food) cleared out of my system and I found a few of my marbles. Crying for real over Marty's death helped a whole bunch. I am still grieving about that in many ways, but I'll save that for another time.
ANYway, I guess I never wrote about it here, but apparently Paxil is one of the most physically addictive substances on the planet and I was having withdrawl! Boy, did I want to kill my doctor when I found out. So yeah, I am no longer on any kind of crazy anything. No pain meds, no evil antidepressants, no ritalin, no clonazapam, not even a cigarette!
Okay, I kind of lied about the pain meds. I decided not to keep getting prescriptions filled, but I do have a few remaining, kicking around my room somewhere. STILL. I have essentially stopped taking them. And by a few, i really mean a few--like three, maybe. I am still in pain, yes, I guess I just don't care as much that I am in pain. Good shoes and enough sleep also go a long way towards alleviation.
I just wanted to warn anyone who may stumble on to those older entries and think "wow, she's cracked. why do i want to hang out with her again?" Let me tell you: I AM cracked, but not quite so severely or obnoxiously at the moment. I am not carrying a torch for a dead relationship, I am not having a nervous breakdown because I repressed my grief, and I can honestly say for the first time in like 3 years that I am not even depressed....knock on wood!
I might even start meditating again!

strange time lapses....

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 02:39:58 GMT

OOOOOOkay. I'm back from the internet dead. I don't know what happened there. Oh wait, yes I do. I starting having regular sex! Funny how that keeps one from rambling on at all hours of the night about one's insecurities! Huh.

Anyway, long story short, no more regular sex! the sausage biscuit on my logic board moved back to boston. :(

We are still sexing when the geography is right, but for now I am back to wanking, physically and metaphorically, yes.

hello folks, spacebutt's back in town!

......that is, assuming a still have an flist?

ouch

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:43:51 GMT

I am a hangover. I am headache and heartburn and confusion. I am laziness and boredom and gurgly insides. I am an idiot.

But one of these days, I'll write a real entry. Just.....probably not today.

hoy

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 03:38:12 GMT

Oh yeah, and people in VT should call me if they feel like it. I want to hang out, but I'm suffering from the usual inability to pick up the phone and make a decision to call. I have a feeling this inability makes me a pain in the ass to be friends with, and for those of you who've suffered along with me all these years, thank you....!

confused

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 03:33:54 GMT

has the writer's strike ended? why are they advertising new episodes starting in January? Are there scab writers? Because that sounds like a recipe for television that is even worse than the usual bollocks. I'm sticking to BBC documentaries on Netflix....

sleeeeep

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:03:15 GMT

I think I have some sort of sleep disorder....or, well, the opposite. Since I've been back, I think I've slept more hours than I've been awake. I'm talking 14 hours a night--hibernation or something. It must be the lack of sun and lack of exercise. I had plenty of both in Kunming, and now I have no reason to get up, move around, or accomplish anything other than DDR and obsessive internet surfing. Being home is terrible.

spacebutt is back in town

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 09:37:32 GMT

I just had a "holy shit, I can log on to livejournal!" moment. I've been back in the States, out of internet-censored China, for all of six hours. I can't sleep, since it's only 5pm for me (it's 4am here in Connecticut). I just hope you all know, I'm NOT going to read back through seven months of friend's list entries. Sorry, it just ain't advisable.

Holy fuck, I'm home!

wonky

Sat, 12 May 2007 00:09:44 GMT

I had surgery today. My foot and my throat are both very sore--my throat because I was intubated. :(

However, I feel okay and I think the recovery will be quick. I can walk. The pain is less intense than it was last year. Also, my mother somehow finagled TWO prescriptions for percocet from my two surgeons. It was weird. I was like, uh, mom? I don't need two bottles. One will be enough. I guess she was worried I would run out in China while I still needed them, but I don't think that would have been a problem, even with just one bottle. Sheesh. Now I'm worried that they will talk to each other and find out that I have two prescriptions and that they'll think I'm a junkie because of it.

Random picture post--portraits of a sort

Wed, 09 May 2007 06:21:40 GMT

The first few are from a late late night with Caity dearest. We're scared of the dark.

And this last one is me, five minutes ago. Damn this insomnia! It makes me take embarassing self-cheesecake pictures that I obligingly post on the internet! WTF?

Two other things of note. I only have one more test before this semester stops biting my ass. But then the next day is the surgery. Sigh. No rest for the walking dead.
Also, I'm leaving for China around the 22nd, but I'll be in NY before then, so call me and let's hang out before I go!

oh fuck

Tue, 08 May 2007 21:47:31 GMT

the tumor is back. I'm going in to surgery on Friday. :(

I just don't understand what's wrong with me.

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 01:07:34 GMT

Okay, I didn't send that email. It seemed like less of a good idea when I woke up the next day and was no longer so acutely enraged. However, the reason behind my rage persists.

Unfortunately, life has not gotten any better this week, and yesterday I suffered a total emotional breakdown that entailed crying for about three hours straight, until my sinuses were clogged and my throat started closing up, triggering a panic attack, which led to more crying. I'm supposed to work this weekend, too, and I'm scared that it's a really bad idea, but it would be a pain in the ass to call everyone on the respite list, and that isn't even a guarantee that I'll find someone to cover for me. So I don't know. The Ritalin I'm on seems to dull my emotions, and I can take clonazapam for the jumpiness that comes from the Ritalin. I think the process of calling people would be more frustrating than just taking a stupid pill cocktail and soldiering through the shift.

In other news of shittiness, I have a paper due on Tuesday and the book I ordered from Amazon to do it on didn't arrive until today. I'm fucking stressed out about that, too, since I would have liked to have started reading the book two weeks ago.

Oh yeah, and in even shittier news, I have to have YET ANOTHER SURGERY ON MY ANKLE. This time at least, the tumor is very tiny and the surgery isn't nearly as invasive. But still. I have to somehow fit this in to the four weeks of my remaining time in the States along with final papers, packing, visiting friends, and innumerable other details that need to be done before I go.

Is it any wonder that I'm having a breakdown?

I just wish that the friends I've been calling my "best friends" weren't all too wrapped up in themselves to talk to me or be supportive. And the reasons why they're wrapped up in themselves at the moment suck too. I think that even if I weren't having trouble dealing with my own problems, I would find their tunnel vision annoying. New drug habits and new relationship euphoria are stupid reasons to act like a jerk to people who've been there for you in tough times before.

why is my world turning upside down?

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 05:13:08 GMT

I'm so fucking pissed.

J. is being such a shitty fucking friend and if I don't express it in this forum, I'm going to send his new girlfriend the email I composed warning her about how self-centered and defensive he is.

I AM SO PISSED I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I've basically been told by him that he is not willing to put any effort into seeing me or dealing with my emotions, so that he doesn't feel "confused" or whatever in regards to his new relationship. WHAT THE FUCK?!? He basically told me we can't be friends anymore, just because he's dating someone new. We were best friends until a week ago. I can't fucking believe he's cutting me off just to save himself the effort of giving a shit about me. I want to fucking cry. What an asshole. Why can't I befriend people who are capable of working on a deeper level than what's "easiest?" I think I might send that email regardless of venting here. Here's the body of it, I would like feedback if that's possible. Am I being diplomatic? Or do I come across as a creepy exe & stalker? I just can't fucking believe that he's dumping me as a friend to make it easier to deal with his new relationship. What a fucking fucking fucking fucking jerk.

Here's the email. I feel like it's a fair warning:

J. told me you two are dating. I just wanted to say good luck and god bless. I don't know if I'll have the chance to meet you before I leave for China, but I would like to. You seem nice. Honestly, I hope he makes you happy--but I hope you like 'em self-centered and defensive. I'm sure that comes across as excessively harsh to define him in such a way, and I'm sure on some levels it's unfair, but it feels like honesty to me. In his desire to keep things from becoming "complicated" for him, he's basically cut me off as a friend, despite my crisis of grief management and bad antidepressant-debacle, and told me that he doesn't want to feel emotionally obligated to me in any way. I had an ex-girlfriend of a different ex-boyfriend (who was still friends with the exe whom I was dating) tell me once that this (not j.) exe was a terrible philanderer, and I was grateful for the warning, since he ended up cheating on me 4 or 5 times. It feels similar to write you this email, although I'm sure it will destroy what's left of my previously very rewarding friendship with J. I hope that he's different towards you.

I imagine you'll share this email with him (I would if I were you), so I just want you to know ahead of time that I don't mind, to save you from any potential ethical dilemmas, although I hate to think what's going to be said of me in consequence. Anyway, as I said, good luck and god bless.

Leah

God, I feel like throwing up. I am CERTAIN that I have no remaining desire to date him again, despite me recent assertions otherwise. Why did I think he would be less of a jerk the second time around? If I can't do better than this fucking bullshit, I AM going to commit suicide. I can't deal with this amount fucking crap. If I bend over backwards any further to accomodate his ideas of what a "friend" is, my spine is going to snap.

Anway, should I send it? It feels like a kindness to warn her.

pimpage of a literary phenom.

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 07:48:05 GMT

I love Jeeves and Wooster. It keeps me sane. The books are hilarious, and Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry's performances in the television series melt me into a puddle of happy viewer. Those two are a match made in heaven. Fun and Funny. The universe is a kind of utopian Edwardian England--satirizing early the twentieth century but remaining largely untouched by its evils. Perfect for a modern European history major like me. I'm drowning in the tragedy of the last century, and terrified that this next one is heading down a darker path still.

I'm fucking tired. I don't even know if I'm making any sense. Jeeves and Wooster. That's all I have to say.

Oh, and Stephen Fry. A remarkable man. I wish I could have lived parts of his life, particularly the part when he played Oscar Wilde in Wilde. I'd go gay (or straight, rather) for Jude Law playing Lord Alfred Douglas, too.

I have a crush on Stephen Fry too. But its more of an envious longing rather than a physical stirring, although I doubt I'd have trouble 'getting it up' if the occasion presented itself. I just want to be Stephen Fry.

Did I mention that my father is visiting?

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 19:59:12 GMT

I'm hungover. I'm turning 24 in a week and two days. I'm quitting cigarettes that same day.
Ugh. Really hungover. Now I recall why I usually abstain from the fire water.

random picture post--mostly of seattle and olympia

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 03:30:01 GMT

I haven't posted images on LJ in awhile. I do have a few from Olympia and Seattle, but many of them are trapped on my sister's camera, which accidentally ended up in my luggage without the usb cable to upload them. :( Anyway, what I have is under the cut, so you poor bastards with dial up won't suffer.

Well, except for this one, which has absolutely nothing to do with my spring break travels:

I sketched out the idea during Soviet history class yesterday, in order to keep from getting annoyed at some of my classmates. Like Wooster, they barely seemed aware that there was such a thing as WWII, despite the fact that it is an upper-level class and they would have needed to take at least some other history class prior. Anyway, I hope I got the date right for the beginning of the London air raids. My best resource for such facts is currently on loan to briseur, so I had to use the internet to look it up. *embarassed*

Okay okay,

These are the woods across the road from my sister's house in West Olympia. The woods feel almost primordial. I kept hoping a dinosaur would pop up from under a fern. Also, the lighting on this particular day was just beautiful, all day.

More of the woods, with an elf!

And more, with me relishing the green growth--Vermont is still brown and snowy :(

A sad little teddy bear behind my sister's house. It doesn't want me to leave for Vermont either. :'(

Here are four of us at the Green Tortoise Hostel in Seattle. My sister and I are on the left, but don't the four of us look related? From left to right: Pamela from Italy, oh-shit-i-forgot-her-name-cuz-i-suck! from Montreal, self from Vermont, and my beautiful sister from Olympia (but VT originally, duh). I loved that hostel.

Here is the whole party from that evening, minus the man taking the photo, who ended up joining us upstairs and indulging me by speaking Chinese and letting me attempt to do the same, badly. Bohdan on the left is from Ukraine, also a guest at the hostel. Joseph is the photographer--he grew up in British Hong Kong and then emigrated with his family to Seattle before the handover. He's now a student at UDub.

Here are four of us (Bohdan is the photographer) in front of some random columns. If you squint, you can see the Space Needle between the middle two. I came up with the idea for this shot.

Nicole and Bohdan

The next morning, before hopping the bus to SeaTac airport.

Inside the market. I don't eat shellfish because I'm finicky, but it was an interesting display.

Haha, and here's the 24 hour strip club around the corner.

Oh, and PS: These images are private. Do not steal them for anything other than personal enjoyment. And if you post any of these elsewhere, give credit please.

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 01:49:30 GMT

There's this guy in my 'European Culture & Society 1914-1945' class that annoys the piss out of me, and it makes me a little nervous. Here's why: he raises his hand on average eight or nine times per 75 minute class. When called upon, he rambles on about the subject in a surprisingly knowledgable way, but with very little effort payed towards being concise and articulate. By the time he's finished talking, I usually feel like banging my head against my desk.

Anyway, what makes me nervous is that he reminds me a lot of ME. I'm starting to wonder (again) if I have Asperger's syndrome, or if I'm just weird enough to frighten off most people of college age & upper-middle class status. I've been at UVM for almost two full years now and I've made only one friend--and that person is a fellow Vermonter and sleeps with me, so I don't even know if it counts.

Seriously though, people at UVM are such wankers. Most of the time, when I start a conversation with someone, they look panicked, like I'm going to bite them or lock them in a cage or something. What is it about me?!?! I'm not even weird-looking anymore, unless you count never wearing make-up and not shaving my legs (but who wears shorts in winter anyway?). I left my punk badges behind when I graduated into my twenties. Are they frightened off by my (barely noticable) intellect? Are they afraid political and sexual radicalism is contagious? Do I look stupid? Ugly? Maniacal? Or do I just come off as unfriendly?

I tried talking to my therapist about this the other day, but she seems to think I'm making it up. That really pissed me off. I became so angry that I actually cried. She thinks I'm writing them all off before giving anyone a chance, but THEY'RE the ones doing the writing off. I've been trying to make friends at school for TWO YEARS. I'm still pissed off at her, actually. What kind of therapist tells you that your perceptions are completely delusional without even letting you explain what led you to your conclusions about them? Sheesh.

Anyway, I'm just lucky that I have real friends in my life outside of school. The friends that I have are amazing, beautiful, brilliant people (at least when they aren't on heroin). Fuck, I hate heroin. If it steals any more of the rare, beautiful people with whom I'm lucky enough to share mutual affection, I'm going to scream. But with the wide world of assholes in school and at work, I don't wonder why they choose it.

If you just read this whole thing looking for an update on my health troubles, sorry sucka!!! I'll deal with that topic, if there are any updates, in the next entry I write.