I am too tired to really go about writing anything, but I felt like I should update this thing, so that I don't forget it exists.

Anyway, vague overview, hopefully to be elaborated on at some later date: Lots of emotions are swirling in my head right now and I that I can't make sense of them or make any decisions regarding their origins is making me feel like I ought to go back to the therapist. As a student, it's free, so the worst that could happen is that I waste an hour of my time once a week. I'm just not even sure I want to tell a therapist what I'm feeling and ask her what to do. Now feels like a 'playing cards close to the chest' kind of time, and even though a therapist is not involved in my life in any non-professional way, it would be scary to voice some of the thoughts that have been creeping in to my consciousness lately.

And I'm going to leave it cryptic like that because the whole thing makes a bad story anyway and I'd rather not put it into narrative form. And anyway, that is the therapist's job. I'm not even sure I have a narrative about it all yet, and that may be what is driving me to reconsider therapy. Narrative is at least some form of understanding, albeit a kind of shallow one. In lieu of actual resolution, at least I could think about it abstractly instead of feeling it directly once in awhile.

Blah blah.

I watched Star Trek and the X-files tonight and really had a good time! I had no idea that the X-files had such good writers! I think if I had time to add another obsession to my life, that could be a very strong candidate. And no, it's not just because I have a crush on an X-files fan (and Scully)...!

Now my cat is sitting next to me and purring, so I should stop writing and pet him for a bit, call him fat, and then lock him outta my room and go to sleep.

Oh man, I hate this week. I am really far behind with my finals. I just got my period. I am super distracted by thoughts of drinking and fucking and watching TV. AND it isn't over until Thursday! That is still so far away!
My sister and possibly Jeremy will be here before then, which will not help at all with the staying on task thing.
Ugh.

Argh.


Wah.


Why was I so stupid as to try to get a bachelor's degree? How is this going to serve me in anyway after it's over?

Sigh. At least Midol contains caffeine.

I am supposed to hand in a draft of a fifteen page paper on Turds-day at 1pm and I haven't even finished reading for it! Let alone developed a thesis or started writing! Yipes! I basically have to do it all tomorrow. Luckily I have a study date, which tend to work out better than trying to do work at my house...unluckily it is with somebody who is a little distracting, though she does a very good job trying to keep me on track. I just don't know if I can do it....I am a lamey mclameass who is no good at time management. i want alzheimer's meds and ritalin, stat!

Yeah, maybe not.

But still, I am quickly developing a coffee ulcer. Maybe I should switch to redbull and lorazapam (energy drinks make me have panic attacks). I don't know!

Astrology is interesting this week. i am digging this lunar-venus-jupiter conjunction. I feel more frisky and less crazy, and so far I think I have not said too many stupid things in public. I feel motivated and capable, despite the idiocy of not having done a single bit of work over thangsfrigging break!

Anyway, back to Vietnamese food and trying to read for homework and watch House at the same time!

explodings!

Oh shit guys, I just put my cell phone through the washing machine! i am going to need phone numbers again!!! I can't believe i did that, and right before going on a road trip! Oh fuck oh damn oh shit oh balls.

I am waiting for my mom to get home so that I can ruin her day with this little bombshell. :/

I just had to add this.

It snowed for the first time! And my shoes died today!
The heel is coming off one of them. This in addition to a big hole in the toe area. Tomorrow morning I have to go buy a pair of winter boots. I hate shopping for shoes. They are expensive and it's so hard to find shoes that aren't poofy or stupid or ugly or cheaply made. The winters here really require sturdy boots with a lot of tolerance for road salt.

No Uggs!!!!

Uugh. Bleh. I finally came down with something. my first of the season! No excessive boogerhead yet, but i have no energy, headache, and stomach blahs. I stayed home sick yesterday and for one class today, and i feel kind of guilty about it. It's so hard for me to relax, even when i need to! And I feel so pathetic just sitting around watching House and Nova. I hate TV! But I've been watching it pretty much all day! How lame am I?
I am also feeling mopey and lonely, and I REALLY want physical attention: hugs, smooches, backrubs, pats on the head, anything will do. I am really bad at being sick with a stiff upper lip. The lip is definitely in need of some starch.

Is that a mixed metaphor?

P.S. Arrgh, there is a fruit fly in my room!!! And a spider was on my pillow!!!

in honor of my dear dukeburger's request I am gonna post a pic of my Uhura uniform from halloween, but not tonight! I'm sorry! sleep is starting to happen without my consent right now! Tomorrow, i promise!

Wow, it sure is scary to read back over the entries from the spring before I went to China. I was completely fucking crackers!!!
I can say in all honestly that it persisted about a month into my time in China before the lack of toxic substances ingested (besides the food) cleared out of my system and I found a few of my marbles. Crying for real over Marty's death helped a whole bunch. I am still grieving about that in many ways, but I'll save that for another time.
ANYway, I guess I never wrote about it here, but apparently Paxil is one of the most physically addictive substances on the planet and I was having withdrawl! Boy, did I want to kill my doctor when I found out. So yeah, I am no longer on any kind of crazy anything. No pain meds, no evil antidepressants, no ritalin, no clonazapam, not even a cigarette!
Okay, I kind of lied about the pain meds. I decided not to keep getting prescriptions filled, but I do have a few remaining, kicking around my room somewhere. STILL. I have essentially stopped taking them. And by a few, i really mean a few--like three, maybe. I am still in pain, yes, I guess I just don't care as much that I am in pain. Good shoes and enough sleep also go a long way towards alleviation.
I just wanted to warn anyone who may stumble on to those older entries and think "wow, she's cracked. why do i want to hang out with her again?" Let me tell you: I AM cracked, but not quite so severely or obnoxiously at the moment. I am not carrying a torch for a dead relationship, I am not having a nervous breakdown because I repressed my grief, and I can honestly say for the first time in like 3 years that I am not even depressed....knock on wood!
I might even start meditating again!

OOOOOOkay. I'm back from the internet dead. I don't know what happened there. Oh wait, yes I do. I starting having regular sex! Funny how that keeps one from rambling on at all hours of the night about one's insecurities! Huh.

Anyway, long story short, no more regular sex! the sausage biscuit on my logic board moved back to boston. :(

We are still sexing when the geography is right, but for now I am back to wanking, physically and metaphorically, yes.

hello folks, spacebutt's back in town!

......that is, assuming a still have an flist?

I am a hangover. I am headache and heartburn and confusion. I am laziness and boredom and gurgly insides. I am an idiot.


But one of these days, I'll write a real entry. Just.....probably not today.

Oh yeah, and people in VT should call me if they feel like it. I want to hang out, but I'm suffering from the usual inability to pick up the phone and make a decision to call. I have a feeling this inability makes me a pain in the ass to be friends with, and for those of you who've suffered along with me all these years, thank you....!

has the writer's strike ended? why are they advertising new episodes starting in January? Are there scab writers? Because that sounds like a recipe for television that is even worse than the usual bollocks. I'm sticking to BBC documentaries on Netflix....

I think I have some sort of sleep disorder....or, well, the opposite. Since I've been back, I think I've slept more hours than I've been awake. I'm talking 14 hours a night--hibernation or something. It must be the lack of sun and lack of exercise. I had plenty of both in Kunming, and now I have no reason to get up, move around, or accomplish anything other than DDR and obsessive internet surfing. Being home is terrible.

I just had a "holy shit, I can log on to livejournal!" moment. I've been back in the States, out of internet-censored China, for all of six hours. I can't sleep, since it's only 5pm for me (it's 4am here in Connecticut). I just hope you all know, I'm NOT going to read back through seven months of friend's list entries. Sorry, it just ain't advisable.


Holy fuck, I'm home!

I had surgery today. My foot and my throat are both very sore--my throat because I was intubated. :(

However, I feel okay and I think the recovery will be quick. I can walk. The pain is less intense than it was last year. Also, my mother somehow finagled TWO prescriptions for percocet from my two surgeons. It was weird. I was like, uh, mom? I don't need two bottles. One will be enough. I guess she was worried I would run out in China while I still needed them, but I don't think that would have been a problem, even with just one bottle. Sheesh. Now I'm worried that they will talk to each other and find out that I have two prescriptions and that they'll think I'm a junkie because of it.

The first few are from a late late night with Caity dearest. We're scared of the dark.

( PICS! )

Two other things of note. I only have one more test before this semester stops biting my ass. But then the next day is the surgery. Sigh. No rest for the walking dead.
Also, I'm leaving for China around the 22nd, but I'll be in NY before then, so call me and let's hang out before I go!

the tumor is back. I'm going in to surgery on Friday. :(

Okay, I didn't send that email. It seemed like less of a good idea when I woke up the next day and was no longer so acutely enraged. However, the reason behind my rage persists.

Unfortunately, life has not gotten any better this week, and yesterday I suffered a total emotional breakdown that entailed crying for about three hours straight, until my sinuses were clogged and my throat started closing up, triggering a panic attack, which led to more crying. I'm supposed to work this weekend, too, and I'm scared that it's a really bad idea, but it would be a pain in the ass to call everyone on the respite list, and that isn't even a guarantee that I'll find someone to cover for me. So I don't know. The Ritalin I'm on seems to dull my emotions, and I can take clonazapam for the jumpiness that comes from the Ritalin. I think the process of calling people would be more frustrating than just taking a stupid pill cocktail and soldiering through the shift.

In other news of shittiness, I have a paper due on Tuesday and the book I ordered from Amazon to do it on didn't arrive until today. I'm fucking stressed out about that, too, since I would have liked to have started reading the book two weeks ago.

Oh yeah, and in even shittier news, I have to have YET ANOTHER SURGERY ON MY ANKLE. This time at least, the tumor is very tiny and the surgery isn't nearly as invasive. But still. I have to somehow fit this in to the four weeks of my remaining time in the States along with final papers, packing, visiting friends, and innumerable other details that need to be done before I go.

Is it any wonder that I'm having a breakdown?

I just wish that the friends I've been calling my "best friends" weren't all too wrapped up in themselves to talk to me or be supportive. And the reasons why they're wrapped up in themselves at the moment suck too. I think that even if I weren't having trouble dealing with my own problems, I would find their tunnel vision annoying. New drug habits and new relationship euphoria are stupid reasons to act like a jerk to people who've been there for you in tough times before.